If you have just discovered that your spouse has had, or is having an affair, let me first start by telling you how sorry I am that you are receiving or discovering this news.  I can only imagine the flood of emotions that are overwhelming you right now.  This is not intended to be a solution to your situation, but what you will read here is designed to be the first aid that is applied to a wound.  If done well, it can facilitate healing.  If done poorly or not at all, it will negatively impact the healing process.  So let me give you a few items to consider while you are making an appointment with your counselor or pastor.

Keep the Circle of Hurt SMALL

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There are so many options when it comes to finding a counselor, and it gets easy to get lost in an alphabet of letters that follow the names of counselors.  But what do they all mean?  Where do you go to find someone who can help you get through whatever difficult situation you  are facing?  Here are a few pointers.

1.  Know What Type of Professional You Need

There is a big difference between a psychiatrist, a psychologist, and a counselor.  While there is some overlap, here are the some basic guidelines.

You can only get medicine from a medical doctor.  A psychiatrist is a medical doctor.  They will typically manage medications.  While some psychiatrist will talk to you, it is very unusual for this profession to spend time helping you work through your thoughts.  They will typically refer you to a counselor.

A psychologist has a doctoral degree, but is not a medical doctor.  Typically, a psychologist will specialize in administering psychological tests, and can be very helpful in determining an exact diagnosis.  Some will also provide counseling services, but most will not.

A counselor, or psychotherapist, will help you work through your thoughts or behaviors to achieve emotional, relational and spiritual health.  A good counselor will work with your doctors, and will heed the diagnostic material provided by a psychologist, should you have one.

2.  Look for State Licensure

A counselor who has been licensed by the state has met a certain set of professional credentials.  In addition to setting a standard, the state licensure boards also manage complaints filed for a counselor.  This is important, because if a person is not licensed, there is no way of knowing their history.  There are typically three types of state licensed counselors in the state of Florida.  (they have different titles in other states)

• LCSW (licensed clinical social worker)
• LMHC (licensed mental health counselor)
• LMFT (licensed marriage and family counselor)

Often, people will try to pass along “certifications” as being licensed, but these are two entirely different things.  Some licensed counselors have particular certifications in certain therapeutic practices, but there are also agencies who, for the right price, will issue a certificate.  Should there ever be a complaint of malpractice with someone who is certified by a particular agency, the unscrupulous counselor will simply go find another body to certify them.

Check out the state licensure website to verify that a person has a license, and that it is clear and active.

3.  Ask for References From People You Trust

Check with your pastor, or with other community leaders.  If you have a friend who you know has been to counseling, ask them who they might recommend.  If you are looking to use your insurance, you will likely need to call your insurance company and ask for a list of providers who will accept your insurance.  Then, take that list to your pastor or trusted friend to help you narrow it down.  Even if you don’t have a pastor you could trust, or you don’t want your pastor to know, call a few churches (as they are likely referring people to counselors on a regular basis), and see whose name keeps popping up on the list.

4.  You Can’t Always Trust Websites

Not every good counselor is gifted in web design.  And not every person who is gifted in web design is a good counselor.  Most counseling offices choose to keep costs low, so they might not invest a whole lot in their web presence.  And, they will likely not be ready and waiting to answer your phone calls.  Web sites should likely give you a way to know a little more about the therapist, whether or not they are licensed, and how to contact the therapist or how to make an appointment.  Use this as a tool, and don’t make your decision based solely on a website.

5.   Ask Questions of the Therapist

It is ok to call and ask to speak with the therapist.  You should be able to ask what they specialize in, and how long they have been practicing.  It is ok to share what you are wanting to get help with, without going into details.  For example, you can say you are dealing with depression, anxiety, marriage issues, parenting issues, etc., without having to go into details.  A good therapist will be able to tell you if this is an area they would specialize in, or be able to make recommendations to a person who would specialize in this area.

6.  Evaluate Your First Appointment

I tell clients on our first meeting that I want them to walk out of the door at the end of their first session thinking three things.

1. This person gets where I am.
2. He/she understands where I want to go.
3. He/she seems to have tools to help me get there.

If these three things are present at the end of your first meeting, then schedule another appointment and continue.  If these three things are not present, then you might ask your counselor for a referral to another counselor (it is ok to do this), or repeat the above process.

As a way of help, if somebody did refer you, do them a favor and let them know how the referral worked out for you.  If you had a good experience with a particular counselor, let them know so they can refer others to the same counselor.  If it did not go so well, let them know that as well, so they can re-evaluate whether or not to send others to the same person.