If you have just discovered that your spouse has had, or is having an affair, let me first start by telling you how sorry I am that you are receiving or discovering this news. I can only imagine the flood of emotions that are overwhelming you right now. This is not intended to be a solution to your situation, but what you will read here is designed to be the first aid that is applied to a wound. If done well, it can facilitate healing. If done poorly or not at all, it will negatively impact the healing process. So let me give you a few items to consider while you are making an appointment with your counselor or pastor.
Keep the Circle of Hurt SMALL
For some people, this is not an issue. But for others who are hurt, you want to tell everybody about the poor decisions of your spouse. While you need trusted people you can talk to about what is going on, sharing this information with more people than need to know about it will only increase the number of relationships that need to be healed and restored, if in deed restoration is on the horizon. Instead of telling everybody, or worse, instead of posting it on social media, consider who in your circle of friends can be trusted to hear your story, and keep it to themselves. As you consider with whom you will share this, please make sure this is someone who is the same gender as you. Sharing your marital problems with someone who is opposite you in gender is fertile ground for relationship disaster. Keep the circle of hurt small.
Make an appointment with your doctor
You need to get checked for sexually transmitted diseases and infections. While your partner might have told you that he or she did not have sex, or did not have unprotected sex, this does not matter. You need to visit with your doctor, and be tested. And, while this might sound absurd at the moment, you should not have unprotected sex with your partner for at least 6 months, and then get tested again.
Set up an appointment with a counselor
Often I visit with people who tell me how they had an affair in the past, and the unfaithful partner swore up and down that they would never do it again, and it was just never discussed, until it happened again. Meeting with a good counselor can help you heal. A good counselor can help get out all of the infection in the wound, and get you started on the road to recovery. There is no guarantee that a counselor will solve all of your problems, but they will help you gain perspective on your relationship, and provide you with healthy tools on how to go about restoring your relationship. When making an appointment, it is ok to ask your counselor if they work with affair recovery, and if they have had experience and success in helping couples heal from this. A good counselor will know their limitations, and if this is not an area of expertise, then they will send you to someone who has this as a speciality.
Take some time for yourself and heal
You have experienced a major blow. Trying to go on like nothing has happened is just not wise. Just like you would take time off if you had a death in your family, you will need time to grieve this loss. Take a few days off from work. Go away for a morning, an afternoon or a weekend if your circumstances permit. Go alone with the expectation of being alone with God, or take a trusted friend with you. As best as you can, avoid making major, life altering, decisions during the first week or two of recovery. If a major decision has to be made, seek out the guidance of a trusted friend or a qualified professional.
Avoid Poor Responses
This is not intended to be a comprehensive list, but hopefully you will get the idea.
- Drugs and alcohol will numb or delay your pain, but they typically just make things worse and make the recovery last longer. If you are at a point where you are not able to function physically due to anxiety or lack of sleep, make an appointment with your doctor. Do not self medicate.
- Don’t contact the affair partner. While there might be a time and place to contact this person, in the early stages of recovery, this is just not wise. The only possible exception to this is that if you find out that you are infected with an STD or an STI, and you believe that the affair partner is actively engaging in sexual activity with others, for sake of public health it would be good that they be informed of your health status.
- Avoid the revenge affair. Just because your partner broke their marriage vows, does not give you right to, nor is this ever a healthy option.
- Don’t give up on God. God has not abandoned you. He is still there with you. Use this as a time to lean on Him, and grow closer to Him.